If you’re like me, just one of your twins or triplets is autistic. It takes a lot of work to support your autistic child and you worry whether you are getting it right, or supporting each child in the ways that they need. There are ways you can help your autistic child’s siblings understand autism and why their brother or sister acts differently than they do.
Open and honest communication
Do not hide the diagnosis or act as if it is something bad that shouldn’t be talked about. You should begin talking about autism as soon as your child is old enough to understand. Use age-appropriate language to explain what autism is and how it affects their sibling. For example, we knew something was different about my autistic son by the time he was 10 months old. He was not diagnosed as autistic until he was nearly 6. When the triplets were little, we said their brother had a special brain. We went to lots of doctors and therapists to find out the best way to support him.
Don’t try to hide the challenges that come along with having an autistic child. Honesty helps children understand the situation better. There may be some things their autistic sibling is not good at or can’t do, but there will be lots of things they can do together. One mom of autistic twin boys with an older sister at first felt bad for her daughter who didn’t have a younger child to play with. But looking at the positives she knows that her “….daughter does love her brothers…they’re just very wild….and the only game they really like to play is chase. They do play an awesome game of chase, though!”
Help all of your children to realise their unique talents and skills. As with any twins (or triplets) (or any siblings for that matter!), there may be a lot of competition. One twin mom with 4 year old boy girl twins struggled to find a way to explain her son’s autism to her daughter. She felt that calling her son special meant that her daughter feel that she wasn’t special. As mentioned above, find what is special about each child and celebrate that. Your autistic twin may be very funny, and your non-autistic twin might be better at drawing. They are both valid and valuable!
Encourage your children to share their thoughts and feelings about their autistic sibling and be ready to validate their emotions. Miriam shared a sweet story about her 9 year old boy girl twins, where just her son is autistic. Her daughter asked if she could tell her mom something at bedtime. She showed her a drawing where there were two sets of lines – one set of wires lined up straight, and the other set had several missed or incorrect connections.
Her daughter said that “…it’s ok to have autism….Isaac does HAVE wires. He has a brain. He is trying….He finds everything so hard doesn’t he? This is his writing wire…it’s supposed to be connected to the writing one at the bottom but instead it’s connected to the playing with friends wire. It’s all so hard when your brain gets confused but I know he is trying!” If we share with our children, it’s amazing how open and understanding they can be!
Sometimes all of the twins, triplets or quadruplets may be autistic, but their autism can present in very different ways. So even if both of your twins are autistic, you may still have to help them learn about their differences and how to best spend time together.
Using books to start the conversation
One of the main reasons why I started our community was that I didn’t know any other families like ours. Today you can find age appropriate books to talk about autism when just one twin or triplet is autistic. I put together a list of books about autistic twin families – and honestly I can’t believe how many there are! For younger readers, there are picture books where one or both twins are autistic. For older readers, there are chapter books that also feature autistic twins or triplets. Finally, for the adults in the house check out the books written by parents or siblings of autistic twins or triplets. Even a few romcom books feature autistic twin siblings!
How did you help your children understand their autistic twin, triplet or quadruplet siblings? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
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